Off The Kerb

BAD MOOD? THIS WILL BE CATHARTIC THEN

June 2003
After many, many months, Jack has finally put fingers to keyboard and sent over his answers to the questions you sent in.

WARNING: If you are of a nervous disposition, it might be wise to switch off the computer now and make yourself a nice cuppa instead.

From Rune Green
I went from Denmark (where I live) to see one of your shows in London and it was brilliant and well worth travelling to see. I was wondering what's the difference of entertaining an audience in a theatre where the audience is very polite and at a private gig where people are a little drunk. Do you always do the same material or do you do special material at a gig where people are tougher?

First of all Rune, thank you for travelling so far to see the show. It's encouraging to know I will never have to visit Denmark in order to reach my fans there. Why wouldn't I wish to visit Denmark? What's the point? I don’t speak your ridiculous language, and if I want a sauna I'll go to my sports club. Also I hate sight-seeing in flat countries, you can see the whole place at once and you've wasted your money going there when all you really needed to do was look up Denmark on the internet, get the general idea of the place from that and then choose somewhere better to go on holiday. I hope this answers your question.

"GET A PROPER JOB AND STOP MOPING AROUND ON THE INTERNET. IF I CAN BE OF ANY FURTHER ASSISTANCE, PLEASE DON'T HESITATE TO ASK"

From Justin Powell
Post office scene was funny. Computer scene fantastic. Being a budding comedian is a pass time of mine. Unfortunately I'm just not quite funny enough to carry it off full time. You make it look so so easy.

Yes I do. Justin, please give up comedy immediately before you lose the respect of your friends and loved ones. You know it makes sense. The best that can happen is you'll be really, really good and do really, really well and then get killed in a pile up on the M1 coming back from a gig. Get a proper job and stop moping around on the internet. If I can be of any further assistance please don't hesitate to ask.

From Victoria Nightingale / Craig
Victoria When did you first realise you had a talent for making people laugh?
Craig Hi jack, I saw you at Hull and York, excellent as usual. How did you get from people you know telling you that you was funny to getting your first gig?

First of all buddy, what is it I call you? Is it Craig or is it Victoria? It staggers me that you can be so glib about your gender crisis, asking me irrelevant questions about my career when the obvious issue in your life is are you male or female. Frankly I don't care which way you decide to go, man or woman, I hope you end up happy with the operation. All I can say is just don't get stuck in that sad twilight zone of not knowing whether you are male or female like Jonathan Ross.

From Cathy
Dear Jack, I have to ask how the hell you manage to keep a straight face through your entire shows. Surely you must find yourself humorous or you wouldn't write the material. Who do you try your material out on first before you decide what to use?

Dear Cathy, What a shame you had to resort to foul language before the end of your first sentence. What man will wish to take you as his bride when all you do is swear, swear, swear? Learn some ladylike manners and expand your vocabulary. Begin to appreciate that which is beautiful and enriching in the world. Say to yourself each morning: "Just for today I shall not talk like a drunken scaffolder, I will try to be dignified and polite, not hang around the house eating Frosties out of the packet, not watching Kilroy whilst drinking Special Brew and not smoking old cigarette butts that I've picked up off the pavement". Perhaps then your life might turn around . Good luck.

From Yvette Taylor
Being someone who is looked upon as someone who is hilarious, who do you or did you look up to as someone who you found funny and wanted to be like, and has your work been affected by them?

Gosh I was hoping you'd manage to squeeze the word "Someone" in there for a fourth time, but it wasn't to be. You clearly made the wise decision not to repeat yourself endlessly like a stammering village-idiot trying to explain that the pump is broken. Your question is inane and pointless so I shan't waste valuable space on the internet answering it. Instead I'd like to draw your attention to this need that you clearly must have for someone to look up to. I don't share that because I have self respect, dignity and a sense that my life has meaning. So you see Yvette, which, come to think of it, is exactly what you should do.

"YOUR QUESTION IS INANE AND POINTLESS SO I SHAN'T WASTE VALUABLE SPACE ON THE INTERNET ANSWERING IT..."

From Gemma Phillips
I have noticed so many other comedians have ventured into the world of film I was wondering if you have anything in the pipeline or would like to do a film? If so what kinda film would it be? Would you stick to comedy?

Other questions you might ask yourself are: Does it matter? Is it any of my business? Why am I so nosey and intrusive? Why don't I stop bugging major show-business personalities and concentrate on my own life? Might not the kind of questions I'm asking be awkward for a temporarily out of work comedian to have to answer? Until you can learn to be less self-centred Gemma, nobody will wish to correspond with you on any level and life will continue to feel empty and futile. And I can't fill that emptiness for you by saying what I'm up to right now. For the record, quite a lot of prominent film directors are very keen to have me in their next film.




From Tanya Langley How do you remember all the material that you do in your shows? How do you, Tanya, remember to collect your giro every Thursday or take your medication four times a day? You have to because if you don't then you have no money and start talking to hat stands and taking your clothes off in supermarkets. We all have to remember something important Tanya, God willing you'll keep remembering yours. "THIS ISN'T TRAGICS ANONYMOUS, THIS IS MY FAN SITE. THIS IS WHERE YOU CAN DECLARE YOUR ADMIRATION FOR ME WITHOUT EMBARRASSMENT..." From Sarah P Do you prefer the serious acting roles or stand-up, or will you always do both? So far everybody who has written has been straight-forward and honest enough to give their full name or just a first name. But then you have to spoil everything by having to introduce this element of shame and secrecy by describing yourself as Sarah P. This isn't Tragics Anonymous, this is my fan-site. This is where you can declare your admiration for me without embarrassment. Don't come in here with a balaclava on your head and say "I like Jack Dee" and then skulk off into the night. There is nothing wrong in having me as the pivotal element of your existence. Millions of people feel that way about me as you can see from the countless number of questions here. From Wayne Goodman hello Jack, I was just wondering what do you do if nobody writes anything funny in the books that you give out, do you have some pre-set material or just forget it. Really enjoyed your shows by the way. Hello Wayne, Congratulations for learning to type despite coming from parents who thought it would be appropriate to name their son after a fat cowboy. Growing up with such a stigma is an achievement in itself, but the fact that you've even been able to take an interest in the big wide world that lies beyond your unfortunate circumstances is something of a miracle. I don't wish to upset that delicate balance that you have found between normality and degradation by actually answering your question. Let's face it, knowing the answer will only result in you asking yourself more searching and painful questions such as "Why do I 'just wonder' what Jack Dee does the whole time?" From T: OTK web editor What were the best/worst moments from the Comic Relief night (we should make this topical as all the other Qs were sent in January! Jack, if you don’t want to answer this one, feel free to make one up) I've met you a few times, T, and I don't think I've ever taken the opportunity to say how much I admire the way you've sorted yourself out. You've come such a long way since that government restart programme. Who would have known that an eight-year intensive residential course in psycho-therapy and fence-painting would lead to you running your own incredibly small business? You've amazed everyone including some of the people who know you and your husband's probation officer. If only the rest of your family could get themselves off that hellish cycle of cleaning-product abuse and make something of themselves the way you have. I'm sad to say I last spotted one of your brothers in London going around banging his head on a dustbin lid. I had to leave quickly as did most of the confused foreign students in the audience. And your other brother, well, what can I say? Is he still in STOMP?