Off The Kerb

"Malcolm is my hero. He is the underdog in life's little tapestry."
Lee Evans answers your questions

LEE’S 2003 OFF THE KERB INTERVIEW

2000 interview
November 2000

Here are the long-awaited answers to your questions from Lee. We sent him 13 to choose from and he answered them all - in some length... Enjoy!

From Joanne Hayes
Dear Lee,
I saw you at Wembley on the 18th, which was fantastic. Now you have done Wembley, do you think you would ever be able to top that, performing to such a large audience? To have the skill to entertain a huge amount of people is an amazing ability. After this tour are you going to take a relaxing break? Or will you be working on your next project, if there is one?

Dear Joanne. Will I be taking a break after Wembley? No, I hope you will forgive me for not getting back to you sooner, only I had one day off after Wembley, then I had to go to Hong Kong to finish off a film with Jackie Chan, and because of a break in filming today I have just managed to pick up my emails and get back to you.

I hate not working, I wouldn't know what to do with myself? Sit at home and stare at the carpet. I also find it very difficult saying no to people, but most importantly I think passionately that you should do the best with what you have in life and if you can do that without causing any harm to anyone, that is all you can do.

From Kevin Pain
Why do you seem to perspire so much during your live shows? Is it nerves or is it just very hot on stage from the lighting? Sorry about the question but it's amazed me the way your suits get so damp - why don't you just wear some clothes which keep you cooler?

Dear Kevin. Why do I perspire so much on stage? Well it's a combination of nerves, the hot lights and wondering whether the material that I have written will work or not. Whatever it is I can't seem to do much about it!

A few years ago I would worry about sweating on stage - the trouble was the more I worried about it the more conscious I was that I was sweating and so I sweated even more. The fact is, the kind of material I write always has to be done in some form of physical manner and obviously the more you move around the more you're going to sweat.

We have just filmed a live video at Wembley Arena, and at the end of the video I have given my local dry cleaners a credit - I just think it's about time I should, poor chap. He always asks me the same question, why don't you wear something cooler on stage. I explain to him there's nothing I can do - whatever I wear I'm going to sweat. The only answer would be to wear swimming trunks and that, my friend, is not a pretty sight – the body I have been burdened with is not unlike a freshly plucked chicken. When I take my shirt off I show up in the dark.

Wait a minute I think I'm on to something there - I wouldn't need those hot stage lights any more. I can't be certain, but I think some people would want to see a performing chicken just out of human interest.

From Steve Lloyd
Where the hell do you get your energy from? Enjoyed the show in Liverpool last May by the way. Thanks

Thank you for coming down to watch the show, Steve. Liverpool is a gig I always look forward to playing and a place I have loved ever since I was a kid when my dad used to work there, so I have some great memories. One in particular was my dad, who is a devout Liverpool Football fan, took my brother and I to see Liverpool at Anfield when we were kids. It was a magical experience as a small boy - the fans were so passionate and vocal and I have supported them ever since.

It is that I think that gives me energy - the fact that people have turned up to see me at the Philharmonic in the great city of Liverpool - and I am very honored and lucky. That would give anyone enough energy to last them years.

From Yazzy
Hiya Lee, I came to see your show at m/bro [fantastic] and just wanted to know where do you get your energy from and how do you relax?

Dear Yazzy. It is difficult to answer your question without seeming really corny and sentimental – it is the very fact that you mention in your email: that you came to see the show.

That's it - and to be honest I really appreciate that. You ask anyone if one, two, three thousand people have taken the trouble to come and see you, you wouldn't want to let those people down, you would want to be the best you can.

From pixelPerv
Hi Lee, Do you think making people laugh is just a bit of fun and a great way to earn a living or do you think it's more important than that?

Hello Pixel,

Humor is very important. For example, the name Pixel Perv, no offence pixel, it's a great name but it does suggest that many hours are spent in solitude at night with only the left hand free to work the keyboard, the other to work your mouse of course.

But humour is and always has been an important part of our lives. Since the dawning of time and the first Neanderthal stand up comic opened with the one liner: 'Gaaaaaaarg'

Through war, famine and disease, humour has help to lighten the load.

Hundreds of years ago the court jester would act out a few crackers for the king and his cronies, what wasn't particularly funny was if you told a bad gag it was off with your head and with no head the only alternative for him was mime, but there were no bookings for mimes in those days because it hadn't been invented.

Then years later the greats came along. The Keystone Cops, The Marx Brothers, Chaplin. Then came Bob Hope, Sid Caesar, Arthur Askey, Tony Hancock, The Goons, Tommy Cooper, Eric and Ern.

Now we have Jack Dee, Ben Elton, French and Saunders.

That's enough now...

All the above people make us laugh; there are the ones I haven't mentioned because frankly I'd be here all night.

As for myself, one day I might make that list.




From Thomas Drury Is there a real-life Malcolm? Hello Thomas, I first saw Malcolm at a service station on the M1. I had just sat down at a table to eat some lunch I suddenly spotted this odd character cleaning the floor with a V-mop. I watched him all through my lunch as he meticulously cleaned every bit of the vast tiled floor. I marvelled as he came within inches - like a bat might with sonar senses - of other weary-eyed travellers, his precision mopping was hypnotising, I couldn't take my eyes off him as he weaved in and out of a line of pensioners as they filed through the door from a Saga holidays coach. The most incredible thing was that no one seemed to notice him. Was it just me? Because you really couldn't help but notice him, because although he glided around the floor miraculously just missing humans and objects, it wasn't like watching an ice skater as they glide effortlessly around the rink, more like a lobotomy patient wearing skis on a pebble beach at high tide. How could they not see this idiot steering his mop like a one-man aerobatic display team, but who has lost one engine? Then suddenly it hit me. It's me. He is in fact me. The only reason why I can see him and others can't is that it's a kinship that goes right back to our distant ancestors. It's a form of DNA that links idiots the world over since the beginning of time. The way I look at it is that's what I would be doing if I weren't doing the job I am today. I am quite obviously one of life's idiots and I did at one time clean toilets but I didn't even graduate to being an idiot. I am in fact below that further down the food chain, because I actually got the sack from that job, then after that my life took a huge down turn and I have ended up being a stand up comedian. It's a psychological fact that humans laugh at their own fears as a kind of release mechanism. The Laughing Cavalier was, in theory, petrified of everything. It's a shame he died a few hundred years ago because I would call him up and test my comedy material out on him. So you see, I knew in my heart that I am Malcolm. There was a time when people would laugh at me, because I am an idiot. But by some fluke I happened to one day put on a monkey suit and walk out in front of an audience. Malcolm is my hero. He is the underdog in life's little tapestry. 'ALL HAIL MALCOLM' From Ellen Would you ever consider writing an autobiography? I'm sure your life would be interesting. Dear Ellen, I would consider writing an autobiography, if I thought anyone would be interested in reading it. I have been asked many times to write a book, but have always been too busy. I have kept a diary for years and have experienced many things, some completely amazing and some utterly devastating and heart breaking to my family and me. I believe the experiences we all have during our lives eventually shape us as individuals and getting that across in a book would be very important to me. There are obviously huge psychological disadvantages in writing a book about your life in that you would want what you write to be honest and true, which may offend other people. I'm not sure whether I could live with that.