Off The Kerb

How Do We Do It? Volume 1

Exclusively yours, here's the track list and lyrics for Perrier Award-winner Otis Lee Crenshaw's superb CD.

From Bag Lady ("So put your hand in mine beneath the moon and stars, Tomorrow you can go back to screamin' at cars") to New Daddy Now ( "Kid I'm just here to rob the place, Give me that PlayStation and shut your yap") - there's something here for everyone.

01. Orange Blossom Special/ Intro

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02. Rodeo Man
A horse as wild as wind untamed,
buckskin coat and golden mane
Sugarmuffin was his name
the one they couldn't catch
Flaring nostrils, angry eyes,
he stands at fourteen inches high
So strap me in boys, let me ride,
I'll break him like a match

I'm a rodeo man, rodeo man,
rodeo man from the Shetland Islands

I broke eight ribs in Omaha,
drowned my pain in alcohol
I'm a fallen star, I need a place to crawl,
I won't leave here soon
I hear the small town taunts and jeers,
my boots get stuck in fishing piers
But if Sugarmuffin up and rears
this town will change it's tune

I'm a rodeo man, rodeo man,
rodeo man from the Shetland Islands

Beneath his hide the devil dances,
I see it in the way he prances
There won't be no second chances,
he's sixty pounds of Hell
Some folks say they're too small,
I shouldn't ride those things at all
They say I look like a monkey
fucking a football but they can go to hell

I'm a rodeo man, rodeo man,
rodeo man from the Shetland Islands

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03. Half A Man

I met this girl thought she was mine
Ev'rything was gonna work out fine
I was more of a man than I'd ever been before
Before I knew it, it all went tits up
We fought like dogs and then split up
I was half a man when she walked out the door

I'm only half a man, only half a man
When you see me comin' I'm only half a man

Half a man, that's what she left behind
So as half a man, I had half a mind
To go down to the bar and put away a fifth
It don't take no genius to modern math
To know when you add a fifth to a half
Seventy percent of a man is what you're left with

I was short of myself by about a third
But enough of a man to get up the nerve
To go over to the phone and give that girl a call
I said "You can't just leave me!" She just laughed
That reduced me another half
It occurred to me soon there'd be nothin' left of me at all

I was 35 percent of a man, 35 percent of a man,
when you see me comin'
I'm thirty five percent of a man

35 percent of what I used to be
That's when some biker took a liking to me
Took me out to the parking lot and took me aside
He said "Son I'm here to help you out"
Then hauled off and punched me in the mouth
There went the last of my manly pride

I wanna thank that biker for settin' me straight
Cos it turns out the actual weight of a man's manly pride
Is about two percent or near
So you can cut me down, girl, til' I'm infinitesimal
Thanks to a repeatin' decimal
I'm a third of a man and I'll never disappear

I'm 33.33333333333333333 Recurring

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04. Do Anything You Want

We go out walking, just me and you
Ain't much much in this world I wouldn't do for you
But if a man with a knife said "Your money or your life"
I wouldn't think twice
I'd stand my ground, not give an inch
Coiled like a spring I wouldn't even flinch
I'd stare into the eyes of that sonofabitch
And this is what I'd say:

Do anything you want to the girl just don't hurt me
I might be crazy, but I ain't reckless
She's got a diamond ring, she's got a necklace
Look in her purse, she's got keys to a Lexus
Me, I'll be on my way

Do anything you want to the girl just don't hurt me
What a funny old way to measure love
Find out where you stand when push comes to shove
Right now it ain't you that I'm thinkin' of, it's me

Do anything you want to the girl just don't hurt me
Two's company, three's a crowd
I was thinkin' maybe we should break up anyhow
I could use some space from you, especially right now
So help yourself mister, I ain't no hero
Her bank card pin number is 4 - 1 - 3 - 0
Do anything you want to the girl just don't hurt me

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05. Glass

Hello glass, good to see you my old pal
You remember the woman
She used to sit across from where I'm sitting now
I used to speak to her through you
Put my cheek to you, stroke your surface,
Till the guards got nervous

Glass, it's good to see you my old friend
Because a man gets used to anything
Inside this cage where birds don't sing
And to feel the thrill of cheap perspex
Is the closest that he'll come to sex
And when they let me out of here
You're nowhere to be found

There was a plate glass window
In a motel room in Santa Fe
I got a little drunk, a little wistful,
Tried to have my way
And what I called a slight loss of composure,
The cops called indecent exposure...

So glass, I'm back
It's good to see you my old friend
Because a man gets used to anything...

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06. Scottish Cheating Song

Baby I been reading you phone bill
I got to ask you point blank
Who the hell is Milton of Campsie
Who's Clydebank
Glen Rothes, Jedburgh
You been sewin' your wild oats

I don't know no Partick Thistle
Who the hell is John O'Groats?

Baby, baby, baby you gotta give me a chance
You've been running around kissin' every Barrhead
Gettin' into someone's Prestonpans
Now baby I Ben Nevis,
but I ain't never been this Nevis before

I Dunoon if you're comin' back baby
every time you walk out the door
I think you're gonna leave me for Aviemore

For Avie and Avie and Avie more baby
Skibbedy bop, etc
Sounds like skat singing actually a name of a town,
next stop
Skibbedy bop

Well I think you better Mull it over
I'm Kintyre'd of this Ruse,
I Cairngorm on much longer sweetheart
Jura gonna give me the blues
Fife done anything wrong I wish you'd tell me true
Cos I'm Shetland bricks,
Lothian the day I ever said Alloa to you!

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07. The Piano Is Like A Woman

(Otis)

The piano is like a woman, sometimes classy,
sometimes grand
She's not always black and white
Sometimes she's hard to understand
The way her melody just lingers
The way she slips right through your fingers
Oh the piano is like a woman
The piano is like a woman

(Orson)
(Unintelligible)

(Alvy)
(Unintelligible)




08. Bag Lady Take off your coat, take off your boot Take off your wooly hat and your boiler suit Take off your ripped seam stocking And your one running shoe Take off your wedding dress, your camouflage vest and your one ski glove Bag lady, bag lady let's make love I got half fried chicken, Tennants in a can Every woman I ever loved I just drove around the bend Cos' love'll make you crazy, let's avoid the middleman I know it makes no sense, tonight my only wish Is to spend the night with someone who speaks total gibberish So put your hand in mine beneath the moon and stars Tomorrow you can go back to screamin' at cars She gets on the bus, gets off the bus, gets on the bus gets off the bus, gets on the bus, gets off the bus gets on the bus then off the bus Then she climbs atop the bus And then she tries to drive the bus It might be crazy, it might be strange, but she had me at the moment She screamed "GOT SOME CHANGE??" We both got one Big Issue, mine is just to kiss you Beneath the stars above So bag lady, let's make love - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 09. Walmart Home Well if marriage was made by Black & Decker That's when I'd give it one more crack It'd be guaranteed to last a lifetime Else I'd get all my money back And if love was made by Johnsons Baby Shampoo Well tonight there'd be no more tears And I wouldn't walk these empty aisle Drinking cut-rate beers Chorus: Here they don't lock the doors I'll buy a broom, sweep the floors Pick up the pieces of my broken heart From night until dawn Over on aisle 14 I'll find the tools to mend my broken dreams You don't even know I'm gone So I'll just call this old Walmart home Tonight I'll throw myself a party I won't be missing you Mister Muscle,he'll start a punchup Toilet Duck,he'll get the blues If I get drunk and squeeze a family size of Huggies It don't mean I long for your embrace Cos' down the aisle they got Mr. Kipling He lets me say "goodnight sweetcakes" Repeat Chorus - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 10. New Daddy Now I'm not the kind to hang around till dawn And I don't wanna wake her while she's lying there asleep So I creep round her place and I come face to face With a boy of five who's lookin' up at me Chorus: He says are you my new Daddy now? Will you be at my birthday party Saturday? Can you take me to the park, chase these monsters from the dark? Are you my new Daddy now? Are you my new Daddy now? I look in his face, say "Kid I'm just here to rob the place Give me that PlayStation and shut your yap “Cos statistically if you break it down, the reason your Daddy's not around Is half of all marriages end in divorce and that's a fact" Repeat Chorus Then I see the cop cars in the yard Ain't it funny how a man can have a change of heart Every kid can use a Dad to make his life fulfilled And me, I can use a human shield Repeat Chorus - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 11. Scrabble Intro - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 12. Scrabble Song You could have played HEART The word was right there from the start But you rearranged the letters And it came out HATER You could have played CHASTE But you let my good love go to waste Put your tits in someone elses face So why don't you play CHEATS You coulda gave me ROSES But you just gave me SORES I could put down SHOWER But you stay gone for hours So I think I'll play WHORES You coulda played LOVE But you played E-V-O-L Who the fuck taught you to spell!!? But it's EVIL just as well So baby this is it When I needed your LIPS You were giving me the SLIP And THIS has turned to SHIT You could have played BEDROOM and PLEASE But you played BOREDOM and ASLEEP I don't need these ACRIMONIES So I'm moving to MICRONESIA You could have played HEART The word was right there from the start But you rearranged the letters And it came out HATER - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 13. Insect Boy Gather round me people and a story I will tell About a tragic superhero whose life's a living hell He had big bug eyes, he had a huge thorax, he could carry twenty times his own weight on his back By day a bug collector, by night the town's protector, Insect Boy that should have been his name He was born to fight terror, but a clerical error Confined him to a life of shame They called him Incest Boy, they got the spelling wrong They called him Incest Boy, and sadly from that moment on He could summon up the strength of a bug who flies and stings But first he had to fiddle with his sister He can fly like a hornet, he can sting like a wasp But he is saddled with a curious dilemma Is it really worth the price to battle crime and vice If first you have to poke a family member? It takes a cousin to get him buzzin' It takes an aunt to make him strong like an ant But after he's fought evil He just curls up like a weevil Overcome by guilt that he don't understand They called him Incest Boy, his life's a living hell They called him Incest Boy, so stay in school kids and learn to spell!! He's a superhuman bug, he swoops down from above He's got a face only a mother could love - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - All songs written by RICH HALL. p & c 2003 Donkey Basketball Music. Except: Intro by Damian Coldwell, Nick Pynn, Rob Childs and Christian Reilly Scottish Cheating Song by Rich Hall, Damian Coldwell and Christian Reilly - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -